Are you more of a giver or a receiver in your relationships? Robert Strock explores the implications of veering towards either end of the spectrum and how it can impact your relationship and the world at large.
In your relationships, where are you on the spectrum of being assertive (asking for/demanding) on one end or being overly giving on the other?
This sounds like a simple question, but it’s typically not deeply looked into by either end of the spectrum. This may be a challenging area to assess, as it frequently brings most of us to a state (in my experience) of not knowing. Even if we think we’re sure, that often isn’t accurate. That’s why, besides contemplating, it would be helpful to ask the people around you whom you trust the most to give you an honest answer. This is most important to look at dominantly with the people that you are closest with.
It is common for people with a demanding tendency to rationalize their needs as strong, fair, and necessary to “take care of myself.” It is also common for overly “giving and receptive” individuals to see this as loving and generous and take it to their death. This is a sorrowful limitation as it is not only a pattern of behavior but also one that profoundly affects fulfilling our capacity for intimacy, joy, and creative inspiration.
Why is it important to find out how you express and fulfill your needs?
Answering this (or finding an answer) is an act of courage that may lead to humility and confidence. It is easier for those close to most of us to see clearly. For some, this has been and can be the most significant breakthrough of their lives. Balancing demanding tendencies and learning how to be more mutual has immense implications for relationships on a personal and global level. This is such an area of distortion that it requires being able to look at our ego or let someone else help us and see it clearly. At the same time, it also involves going through the nuances of developing a relationship that expands not only in itself but usually will have implications for others around us.
This area of the human psyche is as taboo to talk about as death and how much money you have. It cuts right to the core of our character development and where we are out of balance. This awareness is also a cornerstone to having a real chance to grow and inquire about how to support a more balanced relationship with key people around you.
This kind of questioning is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves or receive from others. It allows us to see where we are suffering and to dedicate ourselves to an ongoing series of steps that make life more balanced and mutual. Many of us would be surprised at what a good indicator this insight is about the intimacy and connection each of us has in our lives.
Of course, for most people, this is not a conscious process, as the tendency is to normalize wherever you are. There are exceptions where we might judge others as demanding or withdrawn when it is us that has that tendency. That is why there is strong encouragement to have this conversation with at least two or three people close to you if you haven’t already visited this terrain.
When we look at it from a psychological point of view, it becomes all too apparent that most people stay the same throughout their lives unless they learn to be introspective and ask questions that address these issues directly as an ongoing inquiry. Even if we are imbalanced in giving too much, denying our needs, being very demanding or self-involved, most of us adapt to it by believing “this is just who I am” and see it as natural when it is clear that it’s just our conditioning (from childhood and our environment).
It is also common for many of us to have one tendency with certain people and another with different friends or associates. It can be helpful to break this question down by asking a question like,
“Who do I need to reach out to and ask more from, and who do I need to be generous toward?”
Look at how this affects you and consider this questioning a source of key insight into your life. Are you lukewarm, resistant, or motivated to really check it out? When you ask profound introspective questions like this, it is important not just to trust your first impression but to look for several concrete examples across situations and people.
Of course, these are just two of the most common patterns, and it is equally valuable to ask questions of substance, including but not limited to:
- Am I generous, or generous to a fault, or tight, withholding, demanding, and/or withdrawn?
- Am I self-abandoning in a way that sabotages some of my own needs?
- Do I give more empathy and communication than I receive in an imbalanced way, or do I tend to receive more than I give?
These kinds of questions and following up on them are keys to creating a life of greater purpose, connection, and balance.
It would be helpful to write down or carefully look at your close relationships and break them down into details. The details that are helpful to look at would include, among many specifics:
- Supporting economics or being the receiver
- Generous or withdrawn sexually (in a love relationship)
- Are you the one who loves to please with intimate contact, or are you out of touch with the desire to please?
- More of a good-natured person or more unavailable and lost in yourself
- Being helpful vs. looking to others to do more small and big practical tasks.
It is important to note that this isn’t a black-and-white picture as we’re all commonly demanding/self-centered and generous/receptive in different areas. If we identified 10 areas like the ones just mentioned, you might be on one end of the continuum in 8/10 areas. The issue comes when you have one or two mature (wanting to be mutual) people, and there’s a mismatch in what both need. For example, you may want it to be equal (5/5), or your partner might not agree with the 8 and want you to be 10/10 on one side of the spectrum. Some people are comfortable enough on both ends of an unbalanced relationship. That’s each person’s prerogative, and sometimes, I have called that a perfectly complementary relationship with neurotic and co-dependent features. One person loves to be the giver, and the other the receiver, and both are content enough.
It is most helpful if you take this personally, in a curious way, and think about how it applies to you. Try not to think about it from a place of judgment, where you think of something as superior or inferior. The goal is to maximize the chance to find your highest potential from a free and caring place inside, not induced by guilt. This is a potential place of great evolution, and I wish this for all of us and for its impact on our planet.
To explore these themes further, please read Chapter 7 of Awareness that Heals, download the Introspective Guides to better understand your emotions, feelings, and qualities, and listen to our podcast to learn how to improve your quality of life.
Robert Strock practiced psychotherapy for 45 years. He is a distinguished teacher, author, and humanitarian. His unique insights are shared through a comprehensive selection of online videos, blogs, and guided meditations at AwarenessThatHeals.org. Robert’s work resonates with anyone seeking inner peace and a compassionate engagement with the world. He co-founded a non-profit organization, TheGlobalBridge.org, to innovate, create alternatives for underprivileged communities, and develop initiatives to combat the climate crisis. For more information and media requests, visit www.RobertStrock.org.