Betty and her husband, Harold, came to see me when she was overwhelmed with fury toward him. “It’s not fair,” she said, “that I’ve always had to do more than my share to keep everything going. I’m furious at Harold.”
I acknowledged her feelings. “You’re aware of your anger, which is an important step, but you haven’t yet learned to sit with it long enough to get to the truth underneath. It’s not easy to just be with your anger as it is.”
She agreed.
“If you can sit with it until it simmers down,” I suggested, “you might be able to uncover the real cause. Are you willing to try?”
Betty was open to it, so I suggested she take some time alone. “Why don’t you step away from Harold for a while and go into another room? Tell yourself, ‘I’m going to let myself fully feel this anger. I know I’m angry because I’ve been the one who always accommodates. I’m going to allow myself to be pissed off, to feel it in my body. I’m going to say it out loud: I’m pissed, I’m pissed, I’m angry, I’m angry.’”
“Then, sit quietly with your anger. Free associate to all the places in your life where you feel this rage. Give yourself anywhere from five minutes to half an hour. If you don’t find yourself calming down and getting to what you really need, tell yourself, ‘I’m still in danger.’”
“But if you do calm down,” I continued, “ask yourself, ‘What’s underneath this anger?’ The answer might be something like, ‘I need help.’ Right now, you might need help from many people, but most immediately, you need it from your husband. You can tell yourself, ‘I need to be open enough to ask for help. Underneath the anger, I’m afraid. I’m worried about next September when I won’t be working. I’m anxious about the future because I feel like I’m no one.’”
It’s important to sit with anger long enough to understand its true source. By taking the time to acknowledge and explore our emotions, we can uncover deeper needs and fears, ultimately fostering greater self-awareness and connection in our relationships.
How often do we allow ourselves the space to truly feel and reflect on our anger?