One of the most shocking parts of my development as a psychotherapist was that the connection between our most challenging feelings and our core needs wasn’t mentioned let alone emphasized. I have found that even young children that are 6 years old or older more easily make this connection than the average adult. When there is a bully in school they know that they want to feel safe and that they want the bully to be more friendly. When they feel alone, they know they want friends.
As adults it is so common that when our partner is being unkind to us that we rarely have been taught by our parents to directly ask them to be kinder. When we are feeling insecure in a relationship very few partners are able to share this challenging feeling and understand or express what they need to feel more secure.
Yes the general abstract understanding is there for most adults, but it is rarely a part of their lifestyle to directly identify specifically a challenging feeling and ask oneself what do i need and how do I go about taking care of it. In more than fifty years of being a practicing counselor it has become very clear that very few partners are able to have a constructive conversation when one of them is hurt, threatened, violated, abandoned or frightened.
It became evident that it was a crucial part of emotional intelligence and intimacy to be able to identify specific emotions and also specific qualities or needs that would create healing. This literacy has been perhaps the greatest tool for creating intimacy, self-compassion and compassion.
It’s not uncommon in the field of psychology to mention a few needs, but the lack of comprehensiveness leaves so many areas of our life vulnerable to falling into an emotional hole. It’s very possible by linking challenging feelings with the ability to develop qualities and expressing needs to vastly improve the quality of every kind of relationship.
What you will find here is a list of 75 challenging emotions and 75 Essential qualities and needs that you can link to begin the experience of taking better care of yourself and your partners and friends. It is vital to be able to be more literate or else it is predictable that you will be clogged with undesirable states of suffering and not be clear where to start to support yourself.
The intention of the charts is to be an aid both to anyone wanting to understand and communicate more effectively and also for counselors to utilize with their clients. Of all the tools, this is the one that has been most useful and sought after by both clients, therapists and teachers alike. It is an invaluable starting point when combined with further tools like inquiry, wisdom guidance, developing a friendly mind and how to transform anger. It is a gift to practice this emotional intelligence as a lifestyle.
Our Guides are an invaluable resource for therapists, clients, and anyone wanting to understand and take better care of themselves.
While it sounds obvious, many of us simply don’t realize that there is a link between our feelings and our underlying needs that often go unmet. These Guides are designed to help us more accurately understand what we feel and guide us to what it is we’re missing. The Underlying Needs/Qualities list can help us discern those underlying needs that correspond to and are connected to the feelings, and by doing so, help us see what to pursue that will be most healing in our lives. Please utilize them while watching the videos or anytime you are unclear about exactly what you are feeling and need.
The Introspective Guides available online are a full color version of the same guides that appear in Awareness That Heals. We’ve made these helpful guides available to you either for free or at noc cost on this site.
Please use the download button to download a copy of the Introspective guides for yourself.