• Healing Through Humble Political Dialogue

    After 50 years as a psychotherapist, I learned the hard way that good intentions don’t guarantee constructive political discussions. When heated topics arise, close friendships can fray. Here are five ground rules to help you decide whether—and how—to engage:

    • Check Your Motive: If you need agreement, step back. Only engage if you can imagine hearing the opposite view and still stay calm and respectful.
    • Recognize Shared Goals: Both parties especially when you exclude the extreme ends genuinely want a stronger America. Different news sources fuel different realities—it’s vital to avoid lumping either party as dominantly one extreme.
    • Prioritize Questions Over Arguments: Ask open-ended questions (“How do you see this benefiting us?” “Which sources inform you?” How do you see this affecting the poor and middle class?) to foster understanding, not debate.
    • Speak From Your Experience: Use “I believe” statements to share your perspective briefly and humbly, rather than issuing proclamations.
    • Agree to Disagree Ahead of Time: Set a pact that no one has to change their mind. This “no-agreement” rule paradoxically allows for a better chance for greater connection. Even if the means are still different, it can become clear that it isn’t malicious or destructive in conscious intent.
    • A Personal Story: A friend and I once stopped speaking for a year over a disagreement about what we each saw as the greater source of alienation — Black Lives Matter or the January 6 insurrection. When we eventually reconnected with a fresh perspective, we realized that our true strength wasn’t in finding anything resembling agreement, but in preserving fundamental respect for one another. It was also important to learn how the other was thinking even if we believe their information is not coming from true news. Applying that same mindset to friends across the political aisle showed us that there are far more decent, thoughtful people than the caricatures we often imagine.

    Who Would Benefit in Attempting to Communicate?

    Anyone willing to put mutual respect above convincing the other of the opposite political reality.

    • Those whose emotions lag behind their intellectual openness.
    • People too emotionally charged— are better off waiting until they can detach from “needing agreement or to ventilate.”

    Healing political conversations require empathy, humility, and curiosity. When we can hear others without needing to preach and get agreement, we strengthen both our relationships and our democracy.