• Introduction

    This section is designed for those facing some of the most challenging areas of life—illness, trauma, chemical imbalance, mental health struggles, the process of dying, loss of loved ones, financial hardship, and other difficulties that evoke feelings seemingly impossible to change. However, there is a golden key: developing wisdom as our guide and learning not to let our emotions control our lives. For many, this is a new concept, as we live in a society deeply focused on the pursuit of feeling good. But given life’s unpredictability and the many situations beyond our control, letting our feelings dictate our self-worth is a precarious way to live. Yet, most of us have been conditioned to do just that.

    Wisdom teaches us to acknowledge our feelings without letting them be the final authority, even when those feelings may never change. Instead, the focus shifts to how we respond with the wisest part of ourselves. This approach is not intuitive for most, which is why it requires continuous reminders and practice, especially during times of great suffering.

    The principles of Friendly Mind are not immediately obvious, as it’s not about simply thinking positive or kind thoughts. In fact, thinking kind thoughts isn’t helpful unless we are truly doing everything we can within our circumstances, including how we engage with our inner emotional states. You will learn the importance of clearly recognizing the exact nature of your suffering, which can be difficult when you’re in the depths of pain, as extreme suffering often alters your normal state of mind.

    Friendly Mind recognizes that even with positive thoughts, you may not always feel friendly towards yourself. This subtle practice requires dedication and clarity. It’s essential to discern whether a particular feeling or situation can be changed. By focusing on what’s possible and stabilizing caring thoughts for ourselves when dealing with the impossible, we shift toward a state where living from wisdom takes precedence over being led by our feelings.

  • Trust your Wise Thoughts During Suffering

    In this episode, Robert and Dave discuss how to trust wise thoughts when you’re suffering. They emphasize the importance of not distancing or judging our feelings but rather accessing our inner wisdom to guide us. This involves being able to operate at two levels simultaneously: respecting our challenging feelings while finding a place inside of us that wants to care. By doing this, we can stay open to our feelings and allow them to guide us toward our most supportive thoughts. The guided meditation that follows allows you to go inward and be your own example of facing challenging feelings and finding your inner supportive voice. Through this process, you can cultivate the conditions in which you trust your most wise and supportive thoughts.

  • What is a Friendly Mind?

  • Beginning Friendly Mind: A Deeper Guide Into Friendly Mind

    During suffering, trusting your wise thoughts involves relying on your inner wisdom and intuition to navigate challenges, promote self-compassion, and find solutions that align with your values and well-being.

  • Cultivating Friendly Mind

    Following your innate wisdom involves quieting external influences, tapping into your intuition, and embracing self-awareness to make authentic and aligned decisions in life.

  • Using Friendly Mind When You Feel The Worst

    Robert Strock and Shelley Pearce discuss how “friendly mind” can steer you in a neutral — and sometimes playful — way to find the thoughts that are most helpful to you.

  • Seeing and Communicating With Yourself Through Friendly Mirroring

    What if we could clearly see, understand, and care about what we feel? Psychotherapist Robert Strock talks about creating a friendly-mirror self within us so we can learn how to better take care of ourselves through the easy and difficult situations in life.

    One of the greatest secrets we all need to uncover is developing our capacity to observe closely what we think, feel, and need. This needs to be understood and practiced by those of us who want to pursue greater fulfilment and learn how to become intimate with ourselves and others. 

    It’s like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself as you are, so in a sense, we are never alone. It isn’t just a mechanical dialogue as we can learn how to bring our heart and wisdom to see ourselves exactly as we are, communicate, and ask questions designed to support our capacity to love and be loved.

    We may start out feeling sad in the morning. But, then, our friendly mirror-self says,” I can see that you feel sad and want to know if there’s anything I can do to understand you and to be of support?” 

    The response might be, “I have no idea why I am sad and therefore don’t know how I can be helped.” 

    The friendly “mirror-self” says to you, “Thank you for being clear that you are sad and unsure of what will help, and keep asking yourself when you can about why you’re sad and if there’s anything to do to help yourself through this.”

    This may sound simple, but few of us realize how we can develop an intimate relationship with ourselves. We also don’t realize that this is key in developing intimate relationships with others. In a sense, when we develop this mirroring capacity more and more, we can see that we become even more interested in being the friendly mirror than what we had ever thought about. It’s not that what we feel isn’t important (it is!); however, the response and clearly seeing what we feel is one of the keys to living a life guided by our wisest selves.

    This can be very subtle, and it is essential that the first step is simply to mirror back whatever it is that we think and feel. If we can realize not only what we feel and also include what we most need, we naturally would include that too. If we can’t discover what we feel or need, your friendly mirror will say to you:

    “I can see that you are feeling something, but don’t know what it is and that you also don’t know what you need. This is exactly where you are and I see you.”

    Now I want to suggest that you continue in the background of your mind and respond by reflecting, “I don’t know what I feel or need. But I’m still asking what is it that I feel and need.” 

    This is common for many of us not to know exactly what we feel and need, and we usually might ignore it altogether or judge ourselves. However, our friendly mirror-self never judges as it’s only interested in being precisely where we are and then asking how we can best take care of ourselves. During times like this, it would be very helpful to go to download the list of 75 challenging feelings and 75 essential needs to help you identify them. 

    This is basic training for us to discover our fears, what angers us, and how we can best deal with them. This is a master key to befriending ourselves, and by increasing our capacity to do this, we also give ourselves the best chance of doing it with those around us. 

    Even though this is likely to make sense and probably seems simplistic to many of you, if you look closely, you’ll see that the normal tendency is not to notice accurately what you are thinking, feeling, and needing. Instead, we often move on to the next thoughts and reactions to our lives. So, in a sense, you could say that you are missing yourself as you are. 

    We might often think, “I’d rather think about something that I want or what I understand and don’t want to waste my time not being clear.” 

    On the surface, this seems like it makes sense. However, the key to finding our maximum potential of closeness is first to be exactly where we are, reflect, and see it clearly with stability. As we have alluded to, it is a golden opportunity not to get lost in judging ourselves. It helps us realize that accepting and seeing exactly where we are and reflecting that clearly in our inner mind is a way of not wasting any energy. 

    When we judge or avoid ourselves, our energy almost always goes underground, and that aliveness in whatever form it is in gets buried in the closet of our minds and hearts. However, when we make it clear to ourselves, “I want to know you, accept you and support you,” from the precise place we think and feel, it allows us to feel safe. It makes us feel secure enough to expose ourselves to our own capacity to let the mirroring be a clean and clear reflection of how we are. It would be shocking to most of us to see how much of ourselves we normally look away from or judge what we think and feel.

    For those of you who are or are not familiar with the Buddhist concepts of witnessing or mirroring, this friendly mirror is very similar. We are adding a component of not only mirroring what is real in front of us, but we are also adding the component of guiding ourselves to what we most need for our well-being. 

    Seeing ourselves clearly can help us forge better relationships

    When you’re angry at your love partner, we all have unique tendencies to various degrees to over-express or suppress it: We can either express this tendency in a way that can create harm or end up burying it inside ourselves, making us feel like strangers within ourselves or in the relationship. 

    The friendly mirror will reflect inside us. “You are angry.” But, the friendly mirror will also always be interested in what will help you be at peace and support the same in your relationships. It, therefore, will ask the question: “Do you know why you are angry and what you would need to do? How would you need to be to be more at peace?” 

    It will also ask how you would express or convey your anger in a way that is most likely to support a good outcome. This would have been great to learn in first grade since it’s like second nature at that age. However, given that I don’t know anyone with that background, we need to support giving this to ourselves as most people die without ever learning how to create this kind of intimacy inside themselves.

    In my fifty years of counseling, I have found this to be the bedrock of supporting self-esteem and the deeper capacity to love. It is so subtle because many people think they are already doing this; however, it is clear that if you are, in a sense, you are never alone and a different kind of self confidence and trust is possible.. 

    The mirroring capacity is even better than a best friend because who can know you better than yourself? 

    So it is certainly something that you want to share with those closest to you so that they can help you and also so you can help them.

    This failure to mirror ourselves in a friendly way leads us to imagine that our own alienation from ourselves is actually caused by those around us much more than it is. That isn’t to deny that others can cause difficulty for us, as this is, of course, true in the real world at times. 

    However, when the friendly mirror is activated, we are prepared to face our reactions as they are and be very interested in what we need. This makes us a lot less vulnerable to being violated for very long as our ability to see our own reactions and how we can best take them starts to occur automatically. 

    As we become more adept at being able to do this, the focus becomes more and more on what it is that we need, and as it continually grows, we can understand what others around us need more clearly as well. This will naturally lead to conversations that will be sparked whenever there is a conflict or various kinds of suffering. 

    The question that will be naturally asked is, “What is it that is needed to take care of both of us?” This is one of the most profound sources of trust, peace, communication and intimacy.

    Even if you can’t reach the other, which in the real world will happen pretty often, we will know that we have arrived at a place where that reaching toward ourselves and significant others is our most authentic need. 

    If there is no way to meet whoever the other is, we would then naturally ask “How do I best take care of myself and do my best not to create harm?” We then will guide ourselves to the best of our ability.

    How have I used the friendly mirror-self in my own life?

    As I look back at the relationships in my life or those of clients and friends, I can see that not being able to clearly be very interested in what I’m thinking, feeling, and needing and then include the other has been a source of creating distance and conflict. 

    This might be called being a wise best friend to ourselves and then passing it on to those around us. There are thousands of interactions that I’ve witnessed where the lack of being willing and able to do this well has caused the majority of the suffering. 

    Sometimes even when we do this impeccably, it will lead to clarifying differences in what one person needs from the other. However, this is much more peaceful, even though it may lead us to be sad or create a sense of loss. This is better than fighting it out or avoiding it altogether.

    I can remember in my first marriage; there was a difference in what we each needed. I wanted to spend more than half my time supporting the world and wanted to spend less than half my time focusing on my nuclear family (even though I was devoted to it deeply). My spouse’s dominant focus was on loving fully the primary family.

    We had a lot of indirect challenges and struggles that came out through me wanting to pursue more friendships and caring work in the world vs deeper dedication with time for the family itself. After several years of indirect and direct struggles and attempts to compromise, it became clear. 

    This led to a very amicable divorce, and both of us found what we each needed most in future relationships. She found a great husband that was and is devoted to family life in a way that wouldn’t have been true to my deepest needs. I found a balance between my love life and love for the world in a way that I’m deeply grateful for with a partner that is the same.

    Regarding my marriage, this led to us being able to have a very unusual transition that allowed the love for both ourselves, each other and what we each wanted to continue to this day. But, of course, there are many situations where there will be different needs, and the relationships can still be intimate and fulfilling. It is a matter of degrees that will determine whether the mirroring of ourselves and the inquiry as to how we take care of each other reflects itself accurately and sensitiviely. .

    Tapping into our wisdom to see ourselves better

    Take a look at yourself and ask, “What thoughts and feelings do I have that are hardest to mirror in a friendly or neutral way?” 

    It could be about parts of yourself, your relationship, the world, family, lifestyle, or religion — the list is endless. Whatever parts are hardest to mirror are the parts that will end up creating the most conflict. When we can embrace and take great interest in how we are and can care for ourselves, it is a catalytic leap into a different potential world of fulfillment and intimacy. 

    So ask again in a slightly different way, “What thoughts and feelings are hardest for me to see stably, accept and look for how to best care for them repeatedly in my current life?” 

    Notice whether this is a question that inspires, scares, or repels you. Include whatever reactions you have in your mirroring. This practice becomes more and more subtle the more we take it into our lives, heart, and wisdom. It is important to realize that just seeing ourselves isn’t enough to be fulfilled. We need to also develop the capacity to ask how we can best be cared for and learn to be devoted to our best efforts to fulfil it.

    It is essential to realize that sometimes we will judge ourselves, and the friendly mirror will reflect you are feeling a certain way and thinking about yourself. The mirroring will see that you are in a state of judging, and when you see this clearly, you might realize that self-judgement isn’t helpful and has never helped. 

    Situations like these give you the greatest chance of reflecting, perhaps even with some humor, “I can see that you are feeling this way and judging yourself. I suggest you do your best to find what you need and let go of the judgement as soon as possible.” 

    Sometimes this can take some significant repetition to see the absurdity of judging yourself for something you can’t change. But, then, when we get the hang of it, sparks of humor come through with comments like, “How many times has it helped you to continue judging yourself?” 

    This is a practice to really deepen until it becomes a lifestyle. It’s not what we were taught, so it will require a great act of intentionality.

    After all, what could be more vital than to be real and continue to develop our capacity to best care of ourselves without having to get lost in avoidance or ongoing judgement? 

    This capacity and subsequent intimacy that it will create will invariably benefit those around us as well. This is not something that we can learn from an article alone, as it requires a lifetime of practice. It is fairly easy to understand but requires dedication, humility, courage and honesty to ground it into our lives. 

    The inability to see our own vulnerability, anger and similar feelings and take good care of our needs and those around us has led the world into a state of believing the source of our suffering is dominantly outside ourselves. As we deepen the realization that we can create our inner peace, our impact in supporting outer peace expands.

    I wish this for all of us at this pivotal time for humanity.

  • How Einstein Can Help You Care For Your Feelings

    How Einstein Can Help You Care For Your Feelings

    How Einstein Can Help You Care For Your Feelings - ATH BlogHow do you cope with difficult feelings? When you try to make yourself feel better, do you try to force yourself to change your feelings by demanding they obey what you think or want to feel?

    How has giving yourself a hard time when you’re feeling too anxious, angry, depressed, empty, or confused worked out for you so far? I ask this with a smile on my face and hope it touches you in that place that sees the injuries that it has created. Pressuring yourself to change your feelings simply by expecting or chastising yourself for challenging feelings in my experience of all that I’ve witnessed hasn’t worked out well.  

    When you look closely, you will almost surely realize that demanding a change in feelings is one of those impossible tasks — like trying to ace something difficult on your first try. It’s not possible, so you need to find another way to guide yourself in a way that’s helpful — especially when you’re suffering more deeply. 

    What’s Einstein got to do with your feelings? 

    “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
    — Albert Einstein.

    That’s what Einstein had to say when he was working on some of the world’s most complex problems. Dealing with, accepting, and learning to care for your feelings is also one of the world’s most challenging things to do with grace and understanding. 

    Can you see that it is possible to care for yourself if you switch levels? A change in levels means that you can start caring for yourself by thinking and eventually acting in a direction that moves you toward well-being no matter which difficult feelings you start with.

    It is so vital that we don’t fall prey to what most of us do. We almost always want to feel better than we do when we’re having a hard time. Instead, switch your thinking levels and find an intention to care for your feelings, and access useful thoughts, attitudes, and actions. We can take what Einstein said and apply it to emotions and bring heart and wisdom to life’s challenges. It’s very possible to help ourselves with guiding thoughts and actions when we’re feeling challenged if we devote ourselves to growing in this way. Our response to our feelings will then become even more important than our feelings.

    This requires discipline, focus, and getting over the all-too-human tendency to believe that consciously feeling good is what’s important. The deeper truth is that being wise is more important than feeling good, especially when we’re hurting in any way. We need to realize that most of us in our unconscious mind believe that feeling good is what matters and all kinds of thinking and thoughts are just a booby prize. When we pay close attention to our lives, we see that our wisdom’s thoughts, ideas, and guidance are what matter most. Following this guidance when we don’t feel good is going to be the most beneficial to ourselves and those around us. 

    What does changing levels mean in practice? 

    Our minds and emotions are two very different parts of our inner lives. That’s why our deepest challenging emotions are unreachable when we try to alter them through emotional pressure or demands. 

    Let’s look at a common example that you can extrapolate and apply to your own life experiences. 

    Think about the last time you were nervous or anxious about a medical test, a final exam, or some kind of performance review. Or maybe the anxiety and nervousness you probably felt was as familiar to you as you’d expect — it’s likely been a part of your life in different situations. 

    Here’s what you could say to help you care for yourself better: “I accept that I’m anxious and am dedicating myself to fostering my intention to be as courageous and focused as I can be.” 

    “My anxiety doesn’t define me, and is way less significant than my response to it. My next thought is one that will serve my life in the present or near future.” 

    “It is human to feel anxious, and it is divine to tolerate the anxiety and focus on my priority in my heart. So I’m doing it now.”  

    “My anxiety is trumped by my thought to care for myself and the person who I’m with.” 

    “I am at my most heroic and so is everyone else who can be anxious or challenged, and still meet it with a thought that serves my life now.”

    Can you see how the connection between going to wiser thoughts at a time of difficulty is what Einstein meant in essence by finding another level to solve our dilemmas? Are you game to give yourself a suggestion to ask for and follow your wisest guiding thoughts when you are most challenged? Can you see how much of a real slice of life this is for all of us, and how this is one of the master keys to living a life with purpose, meaning and wisdom?

    Some caring language that might get encourage you to change levels in your thinking:

    “I’m sorry that you are feeling so anxious but remember, that you aren’t doing it on purpose. You are still able to guide your next thoughts to be in a direction that will help you.” 

    “This anxiety would be difficult for anyone, so let’s see what would be most helpful to think about.” 

    “Even though you can’t feel it right now, please find an inner knowing that you are still lovable while you’re anxious.” 

    “While feeling anxious and you make your best efforts, it’s even more heroic than if you did the same thing when you’re relaxed.

    “Don’t try to change being anxious. Instead, focus on what your wisest mind’s response is to the question — what is most important to think about and do, after you direct your thoughts to care for your involuntary anxiety?”

    All of these are examples of changing levels where you can support yourself by beginning with a change in a shift in intention and caring thought. This means that rather than fighting fire with fire, you are using water. Instead of being caught in an endless struggle with yourself, you’re able to put out the fire in a different and more effective way. 

    Sometimes it can be difficult to start working on this on your own. If you’d like additional support, access the Guided Teachings that are part of Chapter 2, of Awareness That Heals. Reading and/or listening to the audiobook selections of Awareness That Heals, particularly, the chapter on Friendly Mind will help you understand how to work on your reactions to your feelings in greater depth and detail.  

    It would serve us well to take Einstein’s advice on our feelings and develop a different kind of basic training that can help us support ourselves in challenging moments. It’s probably not going to be easy or even feel natural at first since we shun most of what makes us confront the difficult stuff. But it’s undoubtedly going to expand your quality of life and make it worth your time, as well as benefit the world around you.

  • The Power of Realistic Best Efforts

    The Power of Realistic Best Efforts

    Resources related to this episode Robert Strock Website Robert’s Book, Awareness that Heals Free Downloadable Introspective Guides

    Note: Below, you’ll find timecodes for specific sections of the podcast. To get the most value out of the podcast, I encourage you to listen to the complete episode. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. For an exact quote or comment, please contact us.

    Transcript

    The Power of Realistic Best Efforts - Episode-14The fourth principle of Friendly Mind is making realistic best efforts toward ourselves and others. The word realistic is vital because of the danger of becoming perfectionistic and thinking our best efforts are not good enough. When we listen carefully and ask our Friendly Mind to guide us, we deserve genuine honoring. On the other hand, we need to take action and do what we are fully capable of as Friendly Mind is not blind ego validation. It needs to be earned and practiced to reach its potency.

     

     

    00:00 Announcer: Awareness That Heals episode 14.

    00:04 Robert Strock: So friendly mind really is the voice that’s just always trying to ask you to be inquiring. What is your realistic best efforts? Are you doing them?

    00:18 Announcer: The Awareness That Heals podcast helps its listeners learn to develop the capacity, to have a more healing response to emotions and situations rather than becoming stuck. Your host, Robert Strock has practiced psychotherapy for more than 45 years. He wrote the book Awareness That Heals, bringing heart and wisdom to life’s challenges, to help develop self-caring and the capacity to respond in an effective way to life’s challenges. Especially at times when we are most prone to be critical or to withdraw together, we will explore how to become aware of our challenging feelings and at the same time find alternative ways to live a more fulfilling and inspiring life.

    00:59 Robert Strock: A very warm welcome to you today. As we continue with our deepening understanding of friendly mind and joining us today are two of my dearest friends, Dave and Shelley, we’ve been friends for ages. Dave is a co-president of the Global Bridge Foundation and Shelley is a board member and exceptional therapist. And we’re also going to include Mark, who’s the engineer, but more than that, he’s developed a core relationship to friendly mind and might make a significant contribution today with his depth life experience. So in the last episode, we just covered the realization that friendly mind isn’t always able to be friendly when it’s speaking to us. So as a part of our best wisdom and our mind responding to difficult situations, difficult emotions, but when, especially we’re in a deep kind of suffering, we’re totally exhausted. We’re totally anxious or angry, friendly mind might not be able to have that quality of friendliness. And that’s what we went into in the last episode. But as we go into further exploration, it’s very important to keep that mind, not to lay a trip on yourself. That, gee, it’s not friendly mind because I’m not friendly and it’s still immensely beneficial if we can learn to devote ourselves to this kind of guidance without putting the standard of having to be friendly, uh, in our tone.

    02:51 Robert Strock: So today we’re gonna really focus on the fourth key principle, which is making our realistic best efforts for self-care and beyond with our friendly mind. And the word realistic is crucial because we can become a perfectionist and thinking our best efforts are Superman or perfection. And if we do that, we’re going to be setting ourselves up for rejection. So it’s important as we speak about realistic best efforts, are you the kind of person that is a perfectionistic person? If so, then you’re going to really need to remind yourself that realistically, something I know I can say is what I’m looking for. If on the other hand, you’re the kind of person who might give yourself credit for having made best efforts, but actually you’re a bit of a slackard and you’re a little loose with yourself then you might really need to say, am I really doing what I can can do?

    04:13 Robert Strock: So take a little look at that in the background. And as we’ve mentioned in the prior episodes, this is about you and about you looking inside yourself as to whether you’re really understanding friendly mind, applying it to your life situations, applying it to your emotions. Now, one of the key elements of realistic best efforts is it makes it clear that friendly mind doesn’t take you off the hook. It’s not just saying, gee, you’re a great guy, or yeah, you made your best efforts to work out. You need to really make your best effort to work out. You really need to try what you can realistically do in any situation you’re in or any difficult emotion you’re having. So for example, if you’ve just dumped a lot of anger on your partner and you’re saying, well, I did my best to tell them what I feel and you see hopefully that it was harmful realistic, best efforts also means that you’re not creating any harm for anybody that’s unnecessary.

    05:40 Robert Strock: Now of course, there are situations in life where a person’s going to be hurt and there’s nothing we can do about it, but we’re doing our best to make it be as gentle as we can be. And we’re still staying with that premise of, am I really thinking about how can I be my best self within reason? So how much is that clear to you and where do you see yourself on the spectrum of gee, I’m a perfectionist person or I’m someone that talks about best efforts, but I’m not as devoted as I need to be. And so friendly mind can actually be both a catalyst to find the thoughts that are going to guide you, but it can also be an inspiration or motivation to see yourself and where you can make a more wholehearted effort.

    06:45 David Knapp: Robert first, uh, I’d like to ask a question and, and also thank you for again, um, the opportunity to participate in these meaningful and important, uh, really life lessons. And I just want to say that, um, I have, um, as I’ve talked about before a relationship to a lot of different things, but health is one of the, the things that puts me into an anxious state when it, when it occurs in myself, especially myself or people very close to me. And the question really is I find myself, um, and it, this is not a universal response, but often I find myself in overdrive. I will respond to something, uh, that needs attention in a real way, uh, by doing research beyond what is what most people would call healthy. And as I do that, I’m, I’m not really unfriendly to myself, but I’m occupied with really the doing that. It takes to explore research, et cetera, which takes me, of course, away from the anxious feeling. But it’s, it’s, I, I just wondering how you relate what I’m saying about that to friendly mind.

    08:27 Robert Strock: Well, it’s a great question because I think it’s going to bring in a certain set of people who are not particularly critical of themselves, but what they do is they overcompensate by doing more and more and more so that they cannot be critical of themselves or not be anxious. And so knowing you as well as I do, you know, setting up doctor’s appointments, giving it hours of thought, you know, having conversations with doctors that at some point you would say to yourself, okay, what is my friendly mind going to say to me about this? So your friendly mind is going to be saying something to you like, Hey, Dave, you might be overcompensating here. And I know you’re doing it out of the best intentions of your heart, but maybe in the guiding sort of way, it would say to you, maybe you’ve done it.

    09:29 Robert Strock: Maybe you’re anticipating too much out in the future for too long. And you’re preparing for something that is only a 2% chance of happening. What do you think, Dave? And then you have a dialogue back and forth with friendly mind and friendly mind intervenes while you seeing yourself take those extra actions, or maybe even before you’re taking the actions and it’s there as a guidepost to stop you from, let’s say in a really, let’s say beneficial way for others. It would intervene and say, God, you have some great intentions, but you might be slightly neurotic here. You might, you might, you might be, you might be anticipating a 1% chance and spending a lot of your life anticipating a 1% chances. And that’s going to keep you engaged at such a level that it’ll cover some of the anxiety, but you’ll have way more hours where you’re anxious. So what do you think, Dave?

    10:39 David Knapp: And I’ll tell you what I think, I think that’s exactly right. I think, I think it is a, a way for me to not feel the discomfort, which for me is very uncomfortable actually, of anxiety. And if I were to feel anxious and I were to put it in perspective, then I would be, if I were to not occupy myself with the research on the other efforts and the anxiety could be alongside of the realistic things, which is so important that are really going on in front of me, then as I have had to me, to happen to me, then I think it becomes a different question. It becomes a question of why the hell do I feel so, you know, anxious? And it is self-critical and it is a different equation. And I in my life have been fairly successful in avoiding, or let’s say compensating by action compensating by research, which by the way, doesn’t really work. It only works temporarily because as soon as I stop and it can’t be 24/7, of course it rushes back in. There’s no getting around it.

    12:03 Robert Strock: Yeah. Yeah. And I think it’s also very important when you say, why in the hell am I so anxious? You know, that’s where friendly mind comes in and says, listen, the stakes are high, we’re in bodies, we get sick, our friends get sick. We love them. It’s probably the, the, the best, uh, neurotic element one could ever have in the world because it’s all helping people. Um, but it’s not helping you, and your’re the priority here along with them. It’s not that they’re not the priority, but so are you. And so Dave, I see that you’re anxious. It’s understandable that you’re anxious, friendly mind was a, and how do we balance caring for ourselves while we’re anxious and doing the great research you’re doing without overdoing it?

    13:02 David Knapp: So there is another fine line I want to ask you about right there, because it feels it, the word self-compassion the word, self-caring, but especially self-compassion, which is how I relate to the best of that. Caring for myself feels like it’s halfway into friendly mind as friendly thoughts. And also it has a certain, uh, emotional element to it. Uh, that is, that is different. Uh, that, that, that feels like a bridge in some ways. Can you speak to that?

    13:37 Robert Strock: It can be friendly mind, especially if it’s in a relatively, not terribly serious emotional state, because then we can have the freedom to feel the self-compassion. But if we’re severely anxious, severely depressed, or we’re looking at somebody that’s terminally ill and you’re really, you know, really, really nervous about it then to be self-compassionate with friendly mind is exactly what we did in the last step, which is we can’t always feel friendly mind. So, the self-compassion is something we’ll deal with down the line, is included when we’re not in a very serious emotional state. And we’re calling that wisdom mind, which allows self-compassion and all the qualities to go along with the mind. So friendly mind, the way we’re using it is really an emphasis dominantly when we’re really in a deep, and we need a best friend that can’t feel and be beneficial on the state of feeling, but where we can learn to be deeply trusting that this inner knowing a friendly mind is a guide.

    15:02 Robert Strock: And even though it’s often seen as a booby prize, because it’s only friendly mind, and I frequently say something like friendly mind, slash wisdom, it’s something that we need to lobotomize ourselves with and recognize that friendly mind is almost a miracle. If you can find a voice to guide you, when you’re feeling lousy, you’re feeling anxious, you’re feeling depressed, you’re feeling angry, you’re feeling exhausted. And you say, you know, I know you’re angry, but now is not the right time to act it out. I know you’re exhausted. The question is, do you have enough energy to send this email or are you better off to rest? So friendly mind is a neutral place when you’re in it down deep. So it’s a very important question and particularly highlights the third level, uh, where we can’t always be friendly.

    16:00 David Knapp: Thank you. Appreciate that.

    16:03 Shelley Pearce: So, Robert, I have, uh, a situation where it’s not perfectionism. It’s more like, um, just “enoughism.” And so my situation in which I, I tend to harbor a fair amount of guilt that is not a, um, chirping bird is one of, one of my professors used to call it the, you know, the ruminating mind. It’s not so much that it’s just a feeling of, I should be doing more. And, and the reason it’s that way is because I, my family were bi-coastal and, um, even through the pandemic, our level of communication didn’t change that much. You know, we make some phone calls, a few emails, um, but you know, many families are, are doing, you know, joint zoom calls from all over the country or world even and, you know, every Saturday and things like that. And in my family, nothing has changed. And so I feel as though I, uh, reach to my family members more than they reach to me and they never complain and they never ask for more, but I feel that we should be more connected.

    17:17 Shelley Pearce: And so then I feel guilt, but I’m stuck in this place of, I, I do more than they do, nobody’s asking for anything, but it still doesn’t feel like it’s, there’s enough cohesion in the, in the family unit for me. So, so then I, and, and it feels more like a little bit of a collapse, like a sadness. Like I don’t, you know, I should be doing more. It’s not their thing, but I know that they appreciate it. And I mean, I, I, I do sometimes just do what I think I need to do, but there’s still a feeling of guilt.

    17:55 Robert Strock: Yeah. Well, having the advantage of knowing your family and your family system, I think the reason why you might feel some guilt is because you’re, by far the most natural leader in the area of talking about things, you’re a therapist, nobody else in your family is a therapist they’re largely non communicators, and they would likely look to you to be the leader. And so the beauty of your question is it really reveals another aspect of friendly mind, which is that many times it leads us to a very ponderous question. And I mean, many times, so the question in this situation, friendly mind would ask a question and it would say given the fact that you are the one that’s most skilled in this area, and also again, knowing you very well, given the fact that you also love your solitude, and you’re also a very full and busy therapist and person, do you believe your best self would lead some of those zooms or are you right on target where you are?

    19:17 Robert Strock: Is this guilt rational, or is this guilt irrational? And then that would lead you into a ponderous question. And you might say, you know what, once every few months I do want to suggest a family zoom, or maybe you’d say, you know what, uh, I’m doing so much more than they are, that’s enough. But the idea of friendly mind being a question when we don’t know is a critical aspect of friendly mind. And I would say it would come up for most people, maybe half the time. So that simple question for you, you know, can you stay in the question and tolerate asking that question without a preconception of a knee jerk reaction? That’s going to just come in and say, no, I do it. And I do it enough, or I don’t do it enough, but more getting to a place of resolve where you feel like that question is reaching your best self.

    20:16 Robert Strock: And you say, you know what? I don’t want to do it for a long time, but I wouldn’t mind doing a 15 minute zoom and initiate that that would allow us to feel a little bit closer. It wouldn’t feel burdens. Wouldn’t cut into my life. Now, I don’t mean to give you answers, but I’m kind of hinting at the kind of process that might go on with friendly mind. And again, friendly mind, another aspect of it that’s subtle, often has a series of dialogues. You might hear that and you go, yeah. Sometimes I feel like it, sometimes I don’t, or you know, or maybe it hits the bullseye, but maybe you could reflect back what you think the question would be for yourself and whether you think you have an answer.

    21:02 Shelley Pearce: Let me share one, one more level that makes it difficult. And that is that I, I feel as though I asked that question when I, when I need to and I, and I appreciate the refinement of it, but I do, and I act on it. But part of it is I know energetically that my family members love hearing from me. And so it feels as though if I’m not reaching out, even though I am the one who needs to reach out, largely if I’m not reaching out that I’m, I’m withholding, I don’t want to say withholding love, but I’m, I’m, I’m withholding some level of enjoyment or joy that they would get from me connecting more with them, even though they’re not asking, and I connect more with them than they do with me. So it, it, it there’s, you know, there’s, it’s an energetic thing, it really is.

    21:57 Robert Strock: Yeah. Well, well, subtle energetics counts. I mean, subtle energetics, many times as much more important than what’s said. So I would deeply take into consideration. I feel the subtle energetics. We’re not just responsible for what’s being said. We’re also responsible too, for what we perceive as being the energy that’s coming toward us and how to respond in the best way possible. So again, maybe considering that, what would your question be?

    22:30 Shelley Pearce: Are you being as loving as possible when you’re in contact with your family?

    22:34 Robert Strock: And the, and the answer is . . .

    22:37 Shelley Pearce: The answer is, um, I’d give myself a 90, 90%, maybe a little less with my mom sometimes.

    22:47 Robert Strock: And, and then the next question is, do you consider that to be your realistic best effort? That is an 88 or 90.

    22:57 Shelley Pearce: No, I should be 100, that’s the point.

    23:01 Robert Strock: And, and is the should the perfectionist, or is it, or, or is as your best self?

    23:07 Shelley Pearce: Right. So, there we are between the perfectionism and the “just enoughism.”

    23:11 Robert Strock: Exactly. So then the question shifts as the dialogue continues with friendly mind, is it, which one is it, is it really a big deal for me to add that extra 10% where I have to, uh, get milk from a bone? Um, or is it something, you know, it’s not that big a deal. I just need to drop in a little bit and, and really focus in my heart, review the whole history of my family and see that I can love more naturally and more easily or not.

    23:48 Shelley Pearce: No, I, I love that you’re saying that it’s, and the answer is “yes.” And it’s a great question. And, uh, it, it has, it has changed my perception in this moment.

    23:59 Robert Strock: Great, great.

    23:59 Shelley Pearce: Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

    24:01 David Knapp: I’d like to say, um, Shelley, that you provoked a couple of things in me, one, one of them was when, at the beginning of what you were saying in the first part of what you were saying, the, the comparative feeling, what some families are doing, versus others. And I, I certainly noticed that and obviously throughout my life, comparing myself in, in so many ways, it’s, it’s kind of just the nature of things, I believe certainly for me, but for everybody, I see that, am I, am I generous enough? Or, uh, do I have enough money? Do I feel secure? Do I, should I be more generous with my money, which is something currently going on, et cetera. And it’s, it’s, um, it’s an endless refinement really of, and really as, as I evolve and as I decide, what’s important to me and what’s not. Um, and I, I feel in particular, um, which leads to the second thing that you provoked in me, which is my issue of setting limits, uh, my issue of always being the initiator, um, and the request and made with an expression of this is what I would need.

    25:24 David Knapp: This is what I would, this is what is, what would feel good to me. It would feel great if you would reach out to me, be interested in me. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to get what I want, but the expression of it is really healing for me and really something that’s been hard for me to do in my life at least. And so that doesn’t mean that if they don’t respond because of whatever their issues are, that it will not lead to me continuing to be the initiator in that way, but it will, it will affect the dynamic, but at least I will have put it out there. And those two things came up for me, as you were speaking. And I thank you for that.

    26:05 Robert Strock: Dave, my questions to you, which again, evokes the same thing, which is that oftentimes friendly mind is going to lead us to the critical questions. What would be your critical question regarding family and what would be your critical question regarding initiation and how would you frame that? And if you have an answer, show us a little dialogue.

    26:33 David Knapp: So I would say that there’s two, there’s two stages to this in my life. Most of my life, I live without awareness and therefore without a suffering around any of this, because I was being reinforced. People love that I would reach out. That would be satisfying. I was, as we go back to the four levels of awareness, I was unaware of my unawareness, unaware of my needs. In other words, unaware that I had them, unaware that they were going on expressed, uh, identified. Uh, I was, I was, I’m finally able to see, able to recognize, able to with time, uh, which took some, some courage, um, on my part because it was uncomfortable. Wasn’t my comfort zone to ask. And so I needed encouragement, uh, from my friendly mind, I needed my friendly mind at those times to say this, this is okay, this is not burdening them.

    27:43 David Knapp: You know, I don’t really feel, uh, even I, I don’t see that you’re feeling that you’re going to burden them is, is, is something that you should live your life by. I think you should examine that more closely. That was a big one right there, I would say. And the boundaries, uh, that come with that, meaning the, the give and the take kind of came from that came from, okay, I began to feel comfortable, began to feel. And I, I think from there, the, the, the boundary issues, which of course still to this day are always question marks. You know, where do I reach? Where don’t I reach? Where am I overreaching? Um, because my tendency is to want to be involved in ways that probably are more than the other person wants. So at the same time, uh, that filling of the space prevents them from responding to me. And that’s part of the issue.

    28:47 Robert Strock: So, one of the things, again, that is really helpful that you’re exhibiting is the mind can cover by going through this debate, the underlying anxiety or the underlying discomfort, or the underlying guilt or whatever the feeling is. So as with all the steps we go through, they all start with being aware of our challenging emotions. So with you being aware of feeling the unmutuality of the initiation or the imbalance, and the discomfort with the imbalance that will naturally lead you to that question of what would be balanced. And as you got that guidance, I think it’s fair for me to ask for a bit more, an initiation from my family members. And have the courage Dave, I want to encourage you, you have a pattern, we can see it together. Right Dave, Dave, I’m your friendly mind. You’re listening to me. Yeah, yeah.

    30:04 David Knapp: Exactly.

    30:05 Robert Strock: Yeah. Okay.

    30:07 Mark Spiro: It’s Mark here? Yeah. I just have a question. Um, you know, we’re, we’re talking about guilt. Shelley brought that up and Dave brought up being an initiator and stuff like that. Isn’t the, the function of friendly mind to help remove the anxiety around these things. I mean, isn’t it simply giving a function of, of trust and forgiveness to each of us and, and finding that in, in the midst of our troubles, you know. Um, like regarding health, for instance, I have a, I have a blood test coming up on Tuesday. Um, I had lymphoma in 2006. I’m scared, you know, I I’m scared to death. So what specifically do I, when I engage with my friendly mind, do do I say, and for me, it’s like, you don’t have a lot of choices, buddy. This is what you need to do. You need to make sure that you take care of whatever your, your problems are. And I said, well, geez, what if it makes me so I can’t work? What if it makes me so, and I do all the what if crap. When I, when I contact and talk with my friendly mind, I take a deep breath and I realize my friendly mind helps me realize that this is going to be okay, that, that you have the strength to do this. You have the power to do this. It’s the right thing to do instead of the fearful, afraid thing to do. If I’m getting it here.

    31:38 Robert Strock: Yeah. I think that’s about three quarters, right? Um, so the function of friendly mind is rarely going to eliminate the emotional state. It’s going to care for you while you’re in that emotional state. It’s going to say, well, of course your anxious, these are big stakes. You’re human, it’s universal. Be kind to yourself. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? I know you can’t probably feel me, but if you intuitively hear me, that might seep in, in some way and lessen the anxiety, and it’s perfectly natural that this is where you are. And, and can you see that it’s natural to be anxious or nervous? And that doesn’t mean very, very anxious. It also doesn’t mean not very, very anxious, depending on how you’re wired, but the facts, you know, you, you’re going to want to review the facts and say, wow, 2006 that was a long time ago. Yeah. That means the odds are pretty good. It’s 15 years that you’ve been, it hasn’t reappeared, so friendly mind will help look at the truth, look at the facts. And we’ll say, gee, that would be very different than if you had signed up at six months ago and then three months ago. And now you’re going in to see whether it’s still growing. And so I can . . .

    33:00 Mark Spiro: There’s logic involved.

    33:02 Robert Strock: Logic, looking at the truth. And then the other key point, which is the quarter, is that you’re caring for the anxiety rather than to try to get rid of it. Good point. Thank you. Okay. So the last piece, before we move on to the next episode is getting the joke. Hopefully, maybe a smile, maybe a laugh. One of my favorite things to ask myself, ask my clients, ask my friends, ask you guys, can you do better than your realistic best efforts? And I’ll usually say something like, well, you can do just a little bit better than your best efforts, right? And then everybody pretty well will laugh or at least smile. Somebody that’s really serious and morose might not at all. But when you see that best efforts is just a holy ground, it’s, it’s like a great basis for a religion, because can you imagine God wanting more than your best efforts, given everything you know, and everything you’re facing?

    34:04 Robert Strock: Can you imagine any more sane, moral standard is asking you to do better than your best? So friendly mind really is the voice. That’s just always trying to ask you to be inquiring. What is your realistic best efforts? Are you doing them? And if you are, then can you move toward being content with yourself or at least quiet. It’s not looking for an eraser to erase your emotions. It’s looking for a salve or a bit of soothing as an effect, even though it might be delivered with complete neutrality when you’re in very difficult times. So again, I thank all of you, cause I, I believe your questions all expose other elements of, of friendly mind and look forward to diving in continued further. As we move to the fifth principle of friendly mind. Thanks so much.

  • How Friendly Mind is Different than Other Approaches

    How Friendly Mind is Different than Other Approaches

    Robert Strock and Shelley Pearce talk about how “friendly mind” differs from positive thinking, conventional thinking, and negative thinking.