What’s normal in love today?

When we’re young teenagers or in our early twenties, love often feels beautifully simple. It’s easy to believe that trust, openness, and complete transparency come naturally with it. We might even say things like, “I’ve found the love of my life—we’ll be together forever, until one of us dies.” In the glow of first love, that feels true—and sometimes, it even is.

But then, maybe we’re met with a look that says, “Are you from another planet?”

That’s when the questions start. Isn’t openness supposed to be a part of love? If we can share everything with close friends, why does it feel harder in romantic relationships?

As we grow, we start to see that what feels “normal” to us may not be what’s typical. We might be carrying societal expectations that conflict with our instincts, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. Some of us stumble into early intimacy and feel overwhelmed, mismatched, or deeply disappointed —especially if things don’t unfold the way we imagined. We wonder if there’s something wrong with us, or if these feelings will last forever.

But here’s where things can shift: when we start to speak honestly. When we say to a partner, “I want to go slowly,” or “I need to feel safe to open up.” More often than not, that kind of vulnerability and directness is met with a greater chance for sensitivity and grace. It invites a depth of intimacy that allows both people to grow together. However, very few of us have been taught how to speak with a clear awareness of what we need and how to express it.

Many of us also discover that we don’t fit into the common molds. Maybe we’re wired for monogamy when it seems like our partner isn’t completely safe in this area. Maybe we’re more emotionally attuned and love to communicate, but our partner isn’t nearly as interested. This is so common. Eventually, we may come to see that love isn’t just about romance or attraction. It can be about something greater: helping each other become more of who we really are. When we show up in relationships with that kind of intention, we’re no longer just looking for love—we’re creating a space where both people can live with more integrity, purpose, and intimacy.

Why do opposites attract?

One of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship is the way our strengths complement and balance one another. Picture the qualities we value in ourselves—kindness, awareness, humor, strength—coming together with those of our partner. Love, then, becomes a union of the best in both hearts.

When we keep this as our shared purpose—to elevate each other and maximize intimacy—it helps us stay grounded, even when challenges arise. This is one of the most optimistic ways that love can flower. It can also be inspiring when both partners share a common sense of purpose or integrity.

When I counsel couples, I often visualize the best of their hearts beginning to integrate. Wouldn’t it be inspiring to consciously unite your generosity with their emotional depth, your steadiness with their sensitivity? When love and awareness, tenderness and strength come together, something powerful begins to happen. It becomes less about “me versus you” and more about what we’re building together.

In my work over the last 50 years, I’ve seen again and again how reframing a relationship as a meeting of gifts—rather than getting consumed with ordinary tasks—can change everything. The most lasting intimacy tends to come from this place of shared purpose. Instead of only solving problems, we begin asking deeper questions: What are we creating together? What’s the highest potential of this union? Where do I need to be more sensitive, communicative, honest, express my needs and listen to yours.

I remember asking two clients, Thomas and Stephanie, “Do you realize that between Thomas’s generosity and kindness, and your emotional awareness and sensitivity, you could develop into one generous open heart with awareness?”

As their vision broadened to include more of the best of each other, they gradually felt better about being together. They softened. They laughed more. And the power struggles that once felt so urgent began to feel less important.

I remind all my couples about the danger of getting lost in power struggles over different needs by staying focused on asking the key question that is so essential in intimacy. “How do we take care of both of our needs?” All couples need to dwell in this inspiring question, and have endless conversations and ways of growing that bind them together.. Some of the most profound partnerships are built on these kinds of opposite attractions. One partner might be deeply giving, while the other has a capacity to truly receive. I call this dynamic Generosity and Receptivity—two halves of a whole, meeting with curiosity and care. When we honour those complementary strengths, we create the space for deeper intimacy to unfold. One of the major reasons why this can work is that the one who is giving is experiencing it as receiving because their need to give and be sensitive is profoundly fulfilling

Here are some common opposites that attract—and balance—beautifully:

• Intelligence and Heart
• Humility and Confidence
• Loving Sensuality and Self-Sufficiency
• Humor and Integrity
• Merging and Autonomy
• Vulnerability and Strength
• Practical and Playful
• Even Tempered and Passionate
• Generous and Receptive
• Creative and Organized
• Intuitive and Pragmatic
• Spiritual and Worldly
• Feeling Centered and Mutual Awareness
• Responsible and Childlike

Which of these pairings show up in your own relationships? Which ones feel like the dance between you and your partner?

Even if you’re not in a relationship right now, reflecting on these patterns can help us understand what we’re drawn to—and why. When we keep our focus on potential and growth, we build a more fulfilling foundation for future connections.

Of course sometimes both ourselves and our partners aren’t receptive to receive what the other’s strength is, and this becomes a central issue in the development of their love. We always need to be on the outlook for getting absorbed in life’s tasks, habits, and society’s expectations, illusions and naive dreams.

In the Shadows

Of course, not all attractions come from the best parts of us. Sometimes, they come from old wounds and blind chemistry.

If we grew up with parents who lacked emotional availability, integrity, or warmth, we may unknowingly seek partners who mirror those same qualities. This is what psychology calls repetition compulsion: the unconscious drive to repeat what’s familiar, even when it hurts.

That’s why it’s so important to recognize not only our partner’s shadow sides but our own. Without that awareness, we risk mistaking past pain for what is an unrealistic belief of what present love consists of.

Some examples of shadow pairings:

• Excessively Rational attracts Hyper-emotional
• Inadequacy attracts Arrogance
• Sexual Addiction attracts Over-Achievement
• Sarcasm attracts Moral Superiority
• Dependency attracts Defensive Autonomy
• Histrionic attracts Bravado
• Rigid Rules attract Rebellious Childishness
• Withdrawn attracts Dramatic
• Enabling attracts Laziness
• Overly Responsible attracts Needy
• Starving Artist attracts Rigid Planner
• Hypersensitivity attracts Control
• Moralism attracts Rebellion
• Guilt attracts Emotional Dependence
• Beauty attracts Wealth

When we start to see these patterns, we can ask:

What need am I trying to meet? What am I avoiding in myself?

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to the hyper-organized, perhaps it’s an invitation to explore your desire for structure. If you’re constantly falling for charm and good looks, maybe it’s time to explore what intimacyor kindness would feel like instead.

“Am I a difficult lover?”

This can be a hard question to ask — but a deeply liberating one.

Understanding the ways we might create distance, hide, or defend ourselves doesn’t make us unlovable. It makes us real. In fact, being honest about our flaws can make love feel safer and more alive. It also gives us the chance to evolve with the humility that comes from being as you are.

When we admit our shadows—when we say, “Here’s where I get stuck,” or “This is where I hold back”— we invite our partners to do the same. We offer trust. And in doing so, we build the kind of connection that can withstand the stormier days.

• Try reflecting on the following: What makes me feel superior? Intelligence?
• Looks?
• Moral high ground?

What repulses me or is hard to accept in others?

• Arrogance?
• Weakness?
• Selfishness?

Where am I most secretive or controlling?

• What parts of myself do I try to hide?
• What do I most fear in intimacy, especially around sex?
• Where do I become reactive, passive-aggressive, or dishonest?

Take a few moments and reflect on which of these are true for you. If you don’t do that, then there is a high likelihood that you are satisfied with intellectual understanding and in danger of missing the very essence of life and love.

Would you be willing to share these with a partner, even just one piece at a time?

Doing so isn’t easy. But it’s an act of deep courage and love. When we tell our partner, “Hey, just so you know, this is where I tend to create distance,” we hand them the keys to our hearts.

That is how real, mature love begins and continues to grow.

When we begin to recognize both the light and shadow within ourselves and in our relationships, we create the foundation for something deeper—something more honest and lasting. Love isn’t just about shared interests or chemistry; it’s about the courage to see each and communicate with each other as much as possible with kindness, to appreciate the strengths we don’t yet have, and to gently explore the defenses we’ve built along the way.

At its core, love is a continuous practice of awareness—of ourselves, of each other, and of the space between us. It asks us to stay present to two emotional truths at once, to listen as much as we speak, and to honour the differences that make our connection richer. Growth doesn’t come from perfection, but from the choice to keep showing up—with empathy, curiosity, and care. And in that commitment, we build something real, something resilient—something worth choosing every day.

The more we choose openness over fear, humility over ego, and growth over comfort, the more space we make for real intimacy. This kind of connection doesn’t just happen—it’s something we practice, nurture, and show up for, again and again.